What Men Want in a Relationship
~ it's way more complicated than lots of sex ~
Wondering why you attract men with commitment issues?
Worried that he's losing interest?
Whatever your situation, I want to share with you the top six qualities a man really wants in a relationship.
You’ll be happy to hear that we’re not all afraid of commitment. We truly don’t want to use women or date around forever.
In fact, most of us (once we’ve reached the point where we are ready for a relationship) are earnestly seeking a life partner. We get really excited when we meet someone who seems sweet, positive and into us.
But then a woman starts throwing up red flags - signs that she is going to burn us in ways that another woman has hurt us before. And what do we do? We gently tell her “it isn’t working out” and we move on.
Why are men so cautious? A recent study conducted at Binghamton University (surveying 5,700 singles) concluded that women feel more acute emotional pain immediately after a break up. But men typically suffer longer and more intensely.
The researchers also reported that the average participant had experienced three significant break ups by the age of 30. So the chances are the guy you’re with has been through a break-up or three, and was hurt more than he lets on. Even years later, he'll be looking for warning signs. So you need to know what a man is looking for and how to send the right signals.
If there’s one thing I’d say scares us away, it’s a woman who plays games or blows up over little things.
One minute she's really into a guy, and the next minute she’s angry about something so she stops talking to him or ignores his text messages. Then, once she feels better again, she is all sweet and lovey-dovey.
Men detest this up-and-down, roller-coaster type of interaction. Your man wants to be with a woman who is consistent, open and solution-oriented.
Why is emotional maturity (demonstrated through calm, productive communication) essential? The Binghamton study concluded that lack of communication was the primary reason couples break up. If there is a problem, your man needs to trust that you will talk to him with the intention of finding a solution to the problem.
That means you (and he) are comfortable admitting you are wrong, saying you are sorry, and are able to forgive and move on after a solution has been found. Make sure you seek peace instead of trying to win every battle. Men want to partner up with emotionally mature women who lessen, not increase, the amount of stress they experience.
A man who is ready to settle down into a relationship is a man who has realized that he doesn’t want to be alone anymore. He's realised the thrills of batchelor life no longer compensate for the isolation and loneliness.
He is ready for a partnership.
That means he will be evaluating you as a partner.
Your man will only want to partner up with you if he feels you treat him with respect and fairness. For example:
- you need to do your share of the house or yard work
- spend money in a fashion that matches his expectations for financial stewardship
- give back to him in ways that feel equal to the ways he gives to you
This is what your man worries about: he does not want to be with a woman who takes advantage of his generosity. While he wants to take on a partner (and may often be totally cool with contributing more than you financially), he does not want his credit ruined or to be the one doing the housework while you sleep in on Saturdays.
How can you send him the message that you will pull your weight in the relationship?
Pay attention to what he likes doing and what he doesn’t, and start having conversations about division of labor. Perhaps you will agree that whoever cooks dinner does not have to do dishes after, or you may agree to mow the lawn if he likes to fold laundry while watching the game. Just make sure you talk through his expectations (and yours) to ensure they match.
Likewise, pay attention to his spending habits. Be careful never to take advantage of him, especially if he makes more money than you do. Then, as the relationship progresses, openly discuss finances to assure him that you care about this topic as much as he does.
If you make more than him, be sure to discuss how he feels about the arrangement. Make sure he doesn’t feel like he has to do more than his share in order to compensate — that just breeds resentment. Talk through what feels fair to both of you, financially and in regards to division of labor.
Have you ever been in a relationship with a man who liked to cuddle? Someone who rubbed your back, brushed your hair and gave you long hugs? Spooned all night? I’m going to guess that all that affection made you purr like a kitten, right?
That’s because most women need affection to feel close to someone.
According to Willard Harley, marriage therapist and author of His Needs, Her Needs – Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (Amazon), men need sexual intimacy just as much as women need affection. It’s what makes us feel loved. It’s how we experience true intimacy.
Unfortunately, a lot of women struggle with low libido and/or insecurity about their bodies, and, as a result, they stop making love regularly after the first few months of the relationship.
Imagine how you would feel if your man was very attentive to you for the first few months of the relationship, but suddenly only wanted to snuggle once a month. You’d be talking with your girlfriends about how unsatisfied you felt, right?
This is how your man feels if you stop having sex with him. He feels rejected. Unloved.
He no longer feels close to you.
A study from the University of Toronto-Mississauga evaluating the relationships of 30,000 Americans reported that, on average, couples that self-report as “happy” typically make love about once a week. Ask your man how often he’d like to be intimate and talk through what would make it more enjoyable for both of you.
If this has been a problem for you in the past, please do yourself and your man a favor. Make an appointment with a therapist or doctor to discuss your low libido or your insecurity about your body. Trust me: your man doesn't care if your body is perfect or not. However, he does care that you make love frequently.
He also wants you to enjoy the experience. No man wants pity sex or duty sex. Communicate your needs to him so he knows what makes it good for you. Then prioritize this part of your relationship.
Life is not easy, agreed? We all get beat up throughout the day. Your co-worker makes unreasonable demands or your best friend says something hurtful. Your car breaks down, your taxes are more than you estimated, you can’t remember your password to an important account… you know what I’m talking about.
Women typically want someone to listen to them when life gets tough. Men, however, typically want to engage in something fun and positive to distract them.
I’m not saying men don’t like to talk about stressful things. On the contrary, many men are grateful to find someone they can talk to. However, one thing men universally look for in a partner is someone who can make them smile.
If you daily come home and dump a half hour of negativity on him, he’s going to start feeling suffocated and he may decide he can’t be with you. Especially if you deflect every suggestion he has or get defensive that he’s trying to help you solve your problems.
How should you handle this? Make it a habit to talk to a girlfriend about the majority of your daily complaints so that you can be more positive when you spend time with your man.
Then, get into some of the fun things he likes to do. Does he like football? Make football games an event. Does he play tennis? Learn how to play. Choose one of his favorite activities and join him (without encroaching on his need for "man-time" of course).
An Attractive Mate
No, you don’t have to be a beauty queen or pile on the cosmetics. In fact, a lot of guys truly prefer natural beauty. However, every man wants to be with a woman that makes him feel proud, whatever that translates to for your particular man.
Who you are reflects upon him. If he is capable of attracting an appealing, together, confident woman, then he feels good about himself. If you don’t take care of yourself, he feels lesser because he wonders if he isn’t good enough to attract an impressive mate.
Men are visual, so how you look matters. This means you will want to take care of yourself physically, paying attention to what he finds attractive. In most cases, you can be assured that exercising regularly and eating well will increase your appeal. Even if you are overweight, your man will see your efforts to take care of your body and will respect you for it. Healthy is appealing!
You will also want to dress in a way that flatters you and take time for grooming so you exude a healthy, clean, fresh glow. If you look put-together, your man will be proud to have you at his side.
Men also want to be with a woman who is impressive in character and accomplishments. For example, if you are positive and friendly when you meet your man’s friends and family, he will be proud to be with you. If you complain the whole way to his parents’ house, sulk while there and mope on the way home, he will regret partnering up with you even if you look fantastic.
It’s also important to be knowledgeable and to develop skills. When he introduces you to his coworkers or siblings, he wants to be able to brag about you. Be someone your man can boast about and he’ll stand taller when beside you.
Freedom to Pursue His Dreams
Yes, he likes coming home to you at night. He loves seeing you across the room when you meet out someplace, and you’re the first person he wants to talk to when he gets good or bad news.
However, he doesn’t want to spend all of his free time with you — and he hopes you don't want to be with him every second either.
Most people need time alone each day, and men seem to need more of this than most women do. Your man also wants time with his friends or to pursue hobbies he truly enjoys, and he needs you to give him the space to do the things he likes to do without having to justify himself to you. If he’s an entrepreneur or likes to complete complex projects, he may need even more time to himself than the average person, and he needs to know you won’t hold him back from these activities and challenges.
How can you meet this need? Spend time with your friends or pursuing your own interests so he has time to do the same. If you don’t pester him, he will be more likely to want to spend time with you.
Are You Ms. Right?
Trust me; there are plenty of good men out there. Like you, we’re searching for a partner who will love us and honor our needs. When you demonstrate that you understand and respect a man, he will find you irresistable!
If you are worried he's losing interest, download my free ebook for more insights into what he's thinking:
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